marcialima

First of all, I would like to thank you guys for the intelligent comments, agreeing or disagreeing. That’s said, let me talk -for the last time- about why I'm leaving this.

-I am 22 years old. Since I was twelve I gave up on dreaming about celebrities. In my twelves it was okay to worship LeonardoDiCaprio on my wall. But i’m not the type who put people in pedestals anymore, naturally.

-I work, i study and travel everyday and it takes me hours, which means that its not like i stay at home writing love letters to boys I barely know offstage and wondering how gerard can be so hot.

-As I work with music industry and i am into this since i was a kid (my father is a drummer) i know one thing or two about how things work and how things are fucked up sometimes.

–Personal behavior always influence bands. You cant separate them both. That’s why good and not-so-good bands came to an end. Ego is a powerful thing. If some vocalist is a nazy, or treat women like trash or is prejudiced or republican (just kidding on last one!) you cant second that even if he makes good music. What he thinks about the world and the way he lives is absolutely tight to the music he made.

–I understand Gerard’s behavior sometimes, which does not mean that i second him. As a plain fan, i get tired of sing the same songs sometimes. Can you imagine sing the same songs gazzilion times a year for years? You could be tired, not big deal. What you do next is the main thing: you evolve and do something bigger or you let the rock’n roll life or you turn yourself into an Axl Rose pastiche.

-I am diferent of the person i was two years ago. Gerard is 30 years old now and maybe he rather to pick a woman (the first one he find? Doesnt matter) and raise kids even if he said the opposite years ago, because people change, thats not wrong with that. Not everybody is like Keith Richards or Mick Jagger going to the grave at 300 years old and keeping the music alive.

–As I said before, you cant deta ch lyrics from composers. I used to love Bright Eyes because Conor Oberst was real, his pain was so real as mine and we were connected in some way. Belle & Sebastian, The Verve, Nirvana, Radiohead, Lou Reed... all this dudes wrote music who meant something because it was real. I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love was real. If you only listen to pop music this means nothing because lyrics about umbrellas and ‘big girls who does not cry’ are just make to sell more records, and to have a good time of alienation. This is not wrong, also. But I dont fit in this kind of music and i like to listen sincere songs.

–Working, i have learnt some tricks to recognise what is fake and what is feeling. Hug a hamster’s cage was feeling. ‘Very much alive’ and ‘my oh so wonderful girl’ are fake.

–Just because he is a 30 old man this do not explain some changes. You dont have to be a teenie or an emo to write about real feelings. Jim Morrison, Jeff Buckley and Elliot Smith are some examples.

-Alteregos can drive you nuts. It happened to David Bowie for instance. When you wear a character and start acting onstage you can make things you dont do usually. The same happens when you are drunk. In vino veritas, remember? It is freudian. In fact, you are being more real than ever behind the mask.

-I am not a nun or a saint to said: ‘oh, i am leaving gerard because he is drinking again’. I am not the healthy type and i used to drink a lot. You drink when you are so miserable that you can stand sober. It was cider on ‘wedding day’? Yeah, but i am talking about puking onstage (camden 25/09), about changing your moods and turn into an unknow person. It is the saddest thing, and i said by myself. You dont have to drink when things are wonderfull. A lot of people saw bottles of gin on their bus. ‘Oh, but he has the band to support him.’ So what? What the others can do? Nothing. When you are lost and you dont wanna be rescue its hard for others to change your mind. So hard that sometimes people just give up. Dont you guys remember Japan touring? They loved and cared about gerard but he was lost and drinking and no one could do nothing. Lyn Z and MSI are know for being crazy kids, for booze and stuff. I dont think someone with this credentials can help at all. I hope she can.

-Anyway, being a mychem fan was so great. It started with sadness. The band talking what i felt. But soon i was understanding the lyrics in a greater way and i know its cliche but those lyrics from Famous Last Words meant so much when i was living my worst times. But look what is happening now: fans hating each other, telling to shut up, being rude... the band was supposed to save lifes. The fans were supposed to be more supportive and not haters about every sentence.

-Someone misunderstood me completely:
“Your post has proved that most "fans" like you only care about the one person in the band - Gerard, when really there are actually FOUR other guys and it should be about the MUSIC anyway. And this is why I am completely lost and bewildered as to how you have called others"fangirls and teenies". If you were EVER a real fan it would be about the music, not only particular members of the band.”
The thing is: MyChem is a band. It’s a team. If one member is lost and strange, everything would lose the balance. Thats why i’m worried and pissed off. Because gerard dont give a fuck about where his behaviour is carrying every member of My Chem. Because i care about frank, ray and bob (should i consider mikey still?). Thankfully Frank have Leathermout, a kickass band.

–I’m not saying LynZ is the Yoko. Because Lennon loved Yoko so much he would exchange anything by staying on her side. Because Yoko was more important than money, fame and even music and Yoko made John happy since the day they met each other. LynZ dont have this importance. She is just another girl on this game.

–The Black Parade is one of the prettiest albuns i ever heard in my entire life. I wrote a book about this, who is set to release next week, in my country, and now im embarrassed about written because things are not like the way it were. Try to make someone, who dont like or dont know the band, understand that Gerard was not like that. It is hard. Still, the album is amazing.

–Funny someone comment on last post: “Kurt Cobain was overrated...instrumentally. He just used power chords. *shrugs*” But honey, the grunge movement was like the punk movement: feeling instead complicated chords. Kurt felt he had to scream and fuck the guitar and he did. It was about pain and feeling.

-“ I do not agree that we should abandon them in the time they need us most. You cannot think that people are going to be exactly what you want them to be all the time, they are going to do things wrong that does not live up to what you think they can be, nobody is going to be perfect in everything they do.”
This is so beautiful as utopian. I live miles away from this band, they never notice my existence and so on. Parents and friens should do this and i am certain they are doing.

–I am not giving upon music. I write about new bands every day and this is what makes me happy. There are just a few of true bands and there are many ‘lets have fun’ bands but i didnt find no one like My Chem or Bright Eyes or Death Cab. Maybe things are changing. Maybe music is now about making money and hiding you trully feelings. But maybe things will change again. I am waiting. Quietly, on my own, but waiting.

- Im very sorry about eventually misspells and grammar errors. English is not my native language but i needed get this out of my chest.

Peace to all of you, soldiers. Try dont let your general fall off.

i just figure this out: mcrmy is a lie. there's no army, there's no war, no one to follow or believe. sad but true.
people in his thirties, and middle life crisis cant be the voice of an army, cant be the fucking hero or saviour. we are the broken, beaten and damned? i used to be. but lies dont help, just make things up. are palliative.
just a man not a hero? i totally agree, but being 'just a man' dont give power to cheat, humiliate and disesteem people who care about you, mister.
i hope you dont kill yourself drinking with your wife.
i hope you stop to talk about how hot and amazing are you both, because there are many people who rather to listen to music, even if the message is a fake.
i hope you dont fight with your mates and fail with your band.
i hope you stop with this ridiculous 'shirts-off' moment.
stop puking onstage and mainly stop throw the trash to the audience.
in other hand, i hope frankie, ray and bob keep doing what they know: good and sincere music. whatever is the band's name. if the end of my chem is near, its just because of you. they dont deserve this shitty little end.
they are bigger and better than this.
you, fangirls, can hate me to death and keep talking : "if gee is happy then i'm happy" and trash like that but stop the teenies for a bit and notice how unhappy he is.
projekt revolution is not helping at all.
i'm old enough to know how cliche rockstars end. i suffered when kurt passed away. i dont want this feeling again. thats why i'm leaving this armys and teams . i dont want to know the obvious.
you made us fool and i'm thankful for that. because i'm certain: this is the last time i care about musicians. i'm done with old cliches.
i'm done with all of you.

....if it is not the first on my entire life, then it is the first this year.
Basically i was eating so much, being the laziest person on planet earth, learning to play the drums with my father, cutting myself and watching movies, not necessarily in order... in a brief i was depressed, suicidal and all that crap.
So.. i got a job... an internship.... at the best place.. the place i ever dreamed about....

a) at the capital city
(one of the few places that i love)

b) with the coolest people
my boss is a girl on her  25's or 30's, journalist, clever and funny
my two workmates are awesome, too. one is a drummer at a punk rock band
the other is a drummer too, i guess. they are both funny.
we four will share a room

c) we are based at the coolest street, at the coolest neighborhood
where punks/mods/indies and all 'strange people' party

d) i'm doing what i like to do
getting in touch with bands/events/movies/parties and so on.. everything about creative industry.
e)i will exercise
i bought that treadmill but it was useless, cause i'm super lazy. now, that i'm obligated to walk, it will be super cool.

f) i will stay away from food
-i will wake at 7AM
-travel between 7:30 and 8:35 AM
-work at  9AM until 2PM
-travel back, between 15 and 16-go straight to the college where i will do nothing until 7PM (probably surfing on internet or spend some time at library)
-class between 7:30 and 10 PM
-back to home where i'm gonna straight to bed.

which means: no food.
ok, i will eat something sometimes, like a cereal bar.... just to seem like a normal person.
but at the rest of the day it will be just about water, and water, and coffee and cigarettes, of course. did i mention water?

in clothes, my wieght -today- is: 141.0944 lbs (shame on me)
i hope i lost at least 22lbs.

As i'm writing from a shitty informatic's laboratory at university (what is the difference between martidom.. ops... university and college, by the way?) i'm not able to check my spell, so, pardon me...

**Oh, i almost forgot.. When i was walking, at morning, the first song i heard was IDLY, from My Chem. When things are good, everything seems to work even better, right?

I just watched the most bizarre, disgusting and disturbing movie ever. The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover was commited by Peter Greenaway, a respected film director from Wales. And as far as i know this movie it's his masterpiece. But the only outstanding points were the photography with crazy colors and environments and the costume design (by Gaultier, baby).
Its all about food & sex. Disgusting food among dirty sex or the opposite. I guess i'm gonna watch this movie every time i feel hungry. It's loathsome because blend both moments (eating & having sex) in scatological takes that make you wanna puke, even if you aren't bulimic.
I have seen many weird/experimental/nonsense movies but this is the winner.
And it's not like Snakes on a Plane or some kind of shit like American Pie when you actually knows that you will be waste your time. I mean, there are a huge number of crazy critics who choose this like a cult/great movie. Bollocks.

In fact this week wasnt good to movies. I watched Run, Lola, Run (Nothing but an old hype), One Day Without Mexicans (i'm not kidding. i saw this! man... just terrible....) and I tried Duna for the very last time. The only David Lynch's work that i hate. impossible to see. impossible to stay awake. impossible.

the funny thing about watching so many movies its that completely waste of time since i have no memory. i watched zodiac last week. today one kid asked me about the movie and i didnt remember a thing.
:(

guess what? i won a folding treadmill. kinda crapy but working well.

my mother, who didnt listen a single word that i said, found a method to fix things up (she think so, at least): she buy things.
if i say: i want kill myself, she didnt answer.
if i say: i wanna buy some shirts, she sends me to a store
if i say: i'm a fucking whale, she plays deaf
if i say: crap cell phone, she buy a new cell phone
could be a fucking great thing. but she cant afford what i need, financially neither metaphorically.
i feel very bad when i try to talk to her cause its ever: "hm, yeah, alright"
-i'm gonna choke until i die
-"yeah, ok baby"
-"i'm gonna put my head on cocker"
-"uhum, right"


great, isnt?

Many people talk about how happiness can be found in little things and usually i dont give a shit about this statement. But today, reading one great book and listening to a great record i had to agreed. I was so happy for a brief moment! Ok, not the happiest person on planet, but feeling good, which is something huge to me.
The book is the best belgian i've ever read. (ok, old joke. its the firsdt belgian book i've ever read) and its called Stupeur et tremblements (fear and trembling) by Amélie Nothomb. As i am a fucking moron to talk in another language, let me copy and paste a review that suits well:
"An undisguisedly autobiographical account of her experiences working for a Japanese company, a recital of multiple humiliations, if anything too neat, too comprehensive to do more than provoke hilarity." - Anita Brookner, The Spectator 
Realy realy funny principally if you ever worked at some crap company. I already did.
The soundtrack to reading was the only and one Tom Waits. I love this man because he made some great soundtracks to Jim Jarmusch's movies and there's one music, particularly, that i realy fancy as neither one. But i never listened to his records, which is almost a crime. Today i found Rain Dogs, his best work acording to All Music and its just fucking amazing.

yesterday i bought my pills, and my happines came from there too.
and i'm really exercising and eat just a litle.
my fanfiction came to an end in a very sad way (gerard shot nick's belly killing their child. and he implict swapped nikki for frank. she ended in a hospice. after helen's dead nikki told to gerard about the child (he didnt knew yet) the band toured to japan and gerard try to kill himself)

my straight edge plan's flushed away after a month. i came back to cigarretes and coffee. i dont even think about quit vegetarianism but i'm afraid to said that i miss meat sometimes. but its about consciousness not about taste. i wish i could be that steady about cigarettes but its impossible.

right now i received 2 issues from the fanzine in what i co-operate and reading my reviews i said: wow.
i miss this.
in fact i miss writing in a cool way. i wish i could recover as soon as possible.
 
now i'm gonna study. i hate that.

...alternating days of absolutely empty stomach and days of some food, i kept 60 fucking kilos.

And, as usual to a useless person, I watched a bunch of movies:
Shatered Glass(?) and Paris, Texas (Win Wenders) = sunday
Clerks(?) and Code Unknown - Incomplete Tales of Several Journeys (Haneke) by Monday
Boogie Nights = tuesday
Life on the Murder Scene = Wednesday, i guess
Revolver (Guy Rithchie) = Thursday
Friday i dont saw a damn thing
Saturday we finish off the french '3 colors trilogy' with Blanc and Rouge.
And I watched Ta'm E Guilass (The most beautiful iranian movie I ever saw.... The first iranian movie that I've saw. Wonderful, even so)
Today, strange sunny sunday, I woke up very, hmmm, lively. Cleaned my bedroom in company of My Chemical Romance videos, which increased the mood.
At afternoon, we (wich ever means me and my mom) watched Zodiac. Featuring Jake-oh-so-perfect-Gylenhaal and Chloe-indie-hype-gave-head-Sevigny.
Very good if you ask me. But not so good as Seven or Fight Club (directed by David Fincher too)

About food? Oh man.... This weekend my crazy mother bought this crazy cakes, birthday cakes, you know? But its anybody's birthday! Yeah, you can tell that is Raymond's birthday, which is true, but she didnt know who the hell is Ray, so the only possible reason is that: she is completely nuts.
Her dirty tricks gave me a quilo and a half.

I didnt finish the fanfiction yet, cause i'm studying math/portuguese/laws/ for this shitty loathsome annoying test that can guarantee me a shitty loathsome job in public sector. I hate this idea but, since I'm not working nor helping with nothing in this house, I presume I cant complain (very much).

Oh, a really good thing that happened earlier this week: I returned to writing. Not a huge text... a review kinda cool about the band Strange Death of Liberal England. A good restart, I guess...

Another good thing: I won the best fucking great scale ever. This time it's a stylish and accurate glass scale. So I feel like I could hug and kiss it. Now, I weight myself like hundred times a day.

http://a1468.g.akamai.net/f/1468/580/1d/pics.drugstore.com/prodimg/155073/300.jpg

Tomorrow i'm gonna try 'the pineaple diet' once again.

My plan is:
monday: pineaple
tuesday: fast
wednesday: diet shake
thursday: fast
friday: orange

i think its it

   

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDE ;)

 

Oh man
I should be very sad because i've just ate a fuckin bread.... But half minute ago i've noticed that LOTMS are completed and i can watch!!! Thank god! (Oh, I'm so religious.... earlier today, when i was in bed, I even created a paternoster's version which includes new jersey, gerard and frerards ahahaha)

i have 3 scary cuts on my arm (where the hell is eliza, by the way?) but as i was fasting for almost a week and now i'm gonna watch THE dvd, i'm happy.

(yeah i ought study and i have another 3 million things to do, but i dont mind)

i'm searching pictures like a crazy. its my new hobbie (very effective in avoid to eat)
now it's time for blondie gerard

(click to enlarge)

                                       

 

this fucking blog says that my post is spam just because i wrote a lot
fuck off
if you wanna read all this saga, goes to myspace because there  long texts  arent consider as spam.
My blog
 
A day before yesterday the strangest thing happened. I was on my way to college and I saw this really cute boy. I never flirt with anyone because it is such a waste of time, but I looked to him and he miraculously looked to me. So I keep walking to my classrom, and nothing happened. But after the exam I was stood on bus quee waiting for the bus to take me home and I was really emo. I mean, I'm not emo. Not trully emo, at least. Like those dudes from emotional hardcore, rites of spring and washington dc, for example. But I was dressed in stereotypical emo fashion: hoodie, eyeliner, bangs (or fringe whatever), skinny pants and all star.
So I was stood there and I saw the boy again. And he was coming in my direction. I thought he wanted to pass by my side to stop at the queue but he didnt.
*convulses*
He asked:
-Are you Márcia Lima?
-Yes, that's me.
-Oh, cool. I'm __ (some crazy nickname) I used to read your columns and I had to thank you by introduce me such great bands. I used to listen your podcast and coment in your old blogs too.
*still convulse*
-Oh, thanks so much and bla bla bla.
We spoke about how the hell did he recognized me, about bands, my book, university, graduation, then he asked my e-mail and was just it.
But, dude, this is like an event on my so fuked up life.

yesterday i eat 1 glass of diet shake (100 kcal)
today i've received this call from an employer, schedulling a job interview
it will be at 3 PM (now ist 1PM)
my stomach growls a lot and i cant take much water cause i gotta take a bus and the travel lenght 45 minutes, which means no bathrooms :P
i took my pills, i'm not hungry. at all. but i'm afraid of my fucking stomach rowls

what do you guys think i should do?


its winter but today, just today, the motherf**g sun appear and its very hot. there are scary cuts in my arms so i have to go with jacket
:(


stay strong all of you
:)

iPod Shuffle *dances around*
1. Put your iPod on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Bold the questions and with the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.

1.Will you get far in life?
Norman Bailer - Willow Wood

2. How do your friends see you?
Twist Her - Nerdy Girl  (I swear I'm not cheating :P)

3. Will you get married?
The Smashing Pumpkins - Spaceboy

4. What is your best friend's theme song?
My chemical romance Piano tribute - I don't love you (sad but true)

5. What is the story of your life?
James - I Know What I'm Here For (yeah, I like it)

6. What was high school like?
The Faint - Falling Out of Love at This Volume

7. How can you get ahead in life?
We Are the Physics - Bulimia Sisters (Christ, now I'm afraid)

8. What is the best thing about your friends?
Spoon - The Ghost Of You Lingers (Excuse me?)

9. What is in store for this weekend?
Long Blondes - My Heart Is Out of Bounds (means = out of the stores? wow)

10. To describe your grandparents?
Coconut Records - West Coast (didnt work this time)

11. How is your life going?
Patrick Wolf - To The Lighthouse (hell yeah)

12. What song will they play at your funeral?
*craving for MCR*
The Good Life - Friction! (what the heck? it will be fun anyway)

13. How does the world see you?
We Are Balboa - Say You Love Me (means insecure?)

14. Will you have a happy life?
Sugarplum Fairy - Stay Young (Some kind of warning? Die before get old? hum?)

15. What do your friends really think of you?
The Clientele - E.M.P.T.Y. (yeah, I agree)

16. Do people secretly lust after you?
Commander Venus - We'll Always Have Paris (So?)

17. How can I make myself happy?
Bright eyes - North of the City (dont say that, please. i dont wanna move)

18. What should you do with your life?
Adam Green - Bunnyranch (What?)

19. Will you ever have children
A Place To Bury Strangers - My Weakness (Does it make any sense?)

20. How are you feeling today?
The Academy Is... - Chop Chop (as-to-ni-shed)

Owww. Look at this. Frankie looks so cute.

And it's not about eating disorders or MCR. Hooray, I'm evolving!

Imagini Visual DNA is more like a unconscious test which revels a bit of ourselves by choosing pictures. And its very cute and precise.

    

I'm starving but happy. Its weird but i'm so happy without food....
I'm gonna dye my hair tomorrow.
Wish me luck

Credit:Imnotokay.net (the best mcr place if you ask me)

It's a transalation from A Norwegian interview.

Gerard arrived in dark sunglasses, black clothing and black hair to the interview in the backstage-area at Hove. With a becoming, but absolutely not exaggerated arrogance, he told us willingly about the expectations to tonights concert and his relationship to the Norwegian fans.

-We've unfortunately never been to Norway before, but I think our relationship with our Norwegian fans is the same as with fans from other parts of the world. We care about them, and we owe it to them to do our best. Our fans are intelligent people.

He promised that the band would deliver on stage too and that he thought it was exciting that so many people wanted MCR to come to the Hove festival.
He loves to stand in front of an ecstatic audience and to watch how they react when the band enters the stage.

-

Gerard Way really wanted to watch the canadian punk-rockers in Billy Talent, who played before them on the mainstage.
The two bands have been following each other on several festivals this summer, and have become friends. When they play
on the same place, they always try to catch each others shows.

-I'm a huge fan of Billy Talent, I've liked them for a long time. I'm watching their show tonight.
I'm so bad at remembering names of songs, but the first song on the first album I liked right away.

But you don't remember the name?

-No, of course I don't. But it stuck to my head, and I've been a fan ever since.

-

Gerard makes it clear that he won't answer stupid questions, and he doesn't like it when journalists always ask about
his hair and other 'silly questions'. So the journalist felt quite awkward when she asked a question about
Gerard's marriage plans. [He announced the engagement a week ago, his brother Mikey is on his
honeymoon and could unfortunately not be at Hove, so it seemed like a relevant question], and the reply was:

-Actually, I'm not engaged anymore.. That's just something that happens.

-

After a short and very awkward moment with silence, we might as well ask the ultimate question, that only fans that have seen MCR's dvd would understand.
On the the dvd, Gerard gets a hamster cage for Christmas and he promises to buy a hamster to put in it.

Did you get the hamster?

-That's not a stupid question question at all! No, unfortunately not..
I had a hamster when I was younger and would have wanted one now too,
it's just that I'm afraid I'll kill it on the tour bus, he says, and tells us that
he loves animals, but that he has extreme cat allergy. So a cat is then,
with other words, out of the question for the American rockstar.

-I love animals, but I can't guarantee that they get along as well with me.
I hope so....Gerard chuckles, before he sneaks out with his dark sunglasses
and agrees to a short photo session with a fan.

They say there's no smoke without fire and they're absolutely right. The whole circus engagement was called off and I can't say that I'm sorry. Gerard have good friends, the best brother and fans to help him.

That's said, lets get back to real life.

You know what? I'm getting crazy. I'm 22 years old, recovering from eating disorders with a plenty of problems and everything that matter to me is movies and MCR.

Watching news on tv, a report about rich kids and violence, I thought immediately in Teenagers. When another report came up, this about an anonymous letter, I recalled "The Anonm Letter", when I saw coffee I remembered Mikey and Gerard on LOTMS, and goes on... but I think you get the point already.

I'm not that kind of music lover. I mean, I usually like the music by itself. Without the "fangirl thing". Without care if the bass guitarist looks sad during his own honeymoon.

That's said, lets get back to real life - Part II

This weekend was nothing but strange. Saturday was the most depressing thing. I couldn't stand myself. I  slept until 11PM, spent the afternoon making a crappy schoolwork and listening to mcr. We went to the terrible supermarket and I get worst neaarly crying between cakes and fruits, which was ridiculous i have to say. I just stood and stared at nothing. For the first time, I guess, my mom noticed that something is really wrong. Just because I literally spell: I can't handle this anymore, I wish I die, and things like that.
I gave up of being subtle with her and she freaked out, really worried. Like she was discovering everything just now.

Sunday was so much better. We watched Win Wender's trilogy Bis ans Ende der Welt (which means Until the end of the world (which reminds me mcr again)) and it's by far one of the best thing that I ever seen in my entire life (the first two parts, at least. the third is kind of boring)

At night I had the confirmation about the end of the engagement. *party*
And after that I was able to watch the video from mcr in norway.
and now im going to sleep.

I dont know if I write, if I read Heavier Than Heaven Again or if I look for some reviews. Last Days make me momentarily confused. My bright side think this movie is great by catch the mumbling Cobain but my evil side wanna kick Gus Van Sant's ass for such monotony.
Little things:
*Michael Pitt resemble Kurt so much. Was very, very striking at first sight.
*I dont understand a thing about that people who lives with Kurt, or something like that. That blonde is supposed to be Courtney? I'm gonna read the end of the book to find the clue.
*There's a music from Lou Reed. Reminds me how long since last time I listened to him. As soon as the movie was over I took my CDs.. ohhh.. I love Lou Reed so much... Makes me sad, and depressed and feeling like a junkie but I really love it.
*Could be side effects from antidepressant but I almost fall sleep a couple of times
*Maybe that history, the last days particularly, dont fit in a movie. You know, very gloomy, very unsettled but without a plot.
*Being a huge nirvana fan (i really was) i expected more about the murder conspiracy.

I am the most indecisive person. I cant express my view about movies because Im not very sure if I hate or I love
But makes my friday better, so i think i love it.

The best present i received: a bathroom scale!! It was a shame going out, almost everyday, just to scale myself in drugstores....



*l*

(And please let me know if you notice writing errors)



(update: acording to heavier than heaven that people were: Cali, kurt's friend, and his girlfriend)

My new scary hobby is punish myself for eating caloric trash. So if I eat a damn cookie I cut my arm. Two cookies? Two cuts. Not big deal. Not big cuts. Just to remind me that I making mistakes and I gotta stop.

Dude, this whole week was awfully boring (Dear Eliza, please come back for us, life is so sad when you are away ¬¬)

Monday I watched The Passion of Anna (Ingmar Bergman, second swedish director on my top 3) I dont know if I wasnt in mood or what... but I didnt like it. I mean. I liked. Was melancholy and little disturbing I just expected more. Tuesday afternoon was time for Tim Burton's Ed Wood featuring Jhonny Deep (which I respect sooo much as actor). Just brilliant even with terror trash as subject. Wednesday I was really depressed so I spent most of the time in bed (reason? I'm getting fat again)
Today I saw Before Sunset (sequel to Before Sunrise). It's too much better than first one yet kinda annoying because you know that dialogues-oh-so-clever dont even exist on real life. Both movies seems like cheap filosofy about love and life. They differ with romantic comedies just because are smarter and actually give a lot to think about. And they use steadicam all over the movie, which means looong takes of talking since the time elapsed in the story is also the run time of the film.
Tomorrow I'm going to watch Last Days that its one of 'must see movies' on my list and was suggested by silenteyesblue later this week.

Yesterday a little -and no more important- crush decided to bury the hatchet. At the same day my ex boyfriend called me after months and months just to say hi. People are so strange. I'm sexless anyway. Sex and relationship stuffs definitely are not for me. *shrugs*

I'm soooo fat. It is disgusting. A friend will buy our pills, thank god. The scariest thing is being off pills.

Winter vacation is coming. I dont know if it's a good or bad thing. I think I will dye my hair blue or purple again, make a huge no-food, return to shrink (i always remeber shrek when i type that), watch gazillion movies... exactly what I do now except for the fact that I will stay home at every night. So exciting ¬¬
I barely can wait.

Everyday I think about returning to english classes but it sucks. Or I stuck with people who cant even write in english or with people who talks as english natives. Even in that subject i'm freak. I hate that. I hate myself.

And if you think nothing could be worse... I was really prepared to buy that MCR shirt and I decided call the store to check. Who answer? A fucking creep ex-friend, ex-almost-boyfriend that I hate with all my guts. I though he was fired last year :(
He didnt recognize my voice but now I refuse to buy anything there.

Oh good news: i'm writing again. just a little bit but is better than nothing.
and listening bright eyes again.

*l*

(And please let me know if you notice writing errors)

THE ULTIMATE EATING DISORDER SURVEY
♥The Proud Eating Disorder Survey♥
What eating disorder(s) do you have?:	ana, mia
How do you have this eating disorder?:	i was tired of being fat
Why do you have this eating disorder?:	probably because my lack of self esteem
Are you happy with your eating disorder?:	sometimes
How long have you had an eating disorder?:	two years and a half
How long do you expect to keep your eating disorder?:
Do you ever plan on getting rid of this eating disorder?:	yes, I searched for medical help this year
Are you proud or ashamed of your eating disorder?:	ana = proud / mia = ashamed
Explain in full detail what you do that makes you have an eating disorder::	I control my body weight starving, purging, vomiting, exercising i took pills like amphetamines, diuretics, laxatives... wich means: i sold my soul to lose weight
Do people know about your eating disorder?:	they pretend they dont know. its easier
Is there anyone that doesn't know about your eating disorder?:	nearly 6 billion people
Do you plan on telling everyone?:	i give up
If not, why are you keeping it a secret?:	why talk if nobody listens?
If anyone knows about your eating disorder, do they bug you about it?:	my shrink knows. he gave me pills
Do you want help with your eating disorder?:
Do you even consider it a disorder?:	sure
What did your body used to look like?:	a trashcan
What does your body look like now?:	the same trashcan a little more empty
Are you happy with your body now?:	no
If not, what do you want your body to look like?:	skinny
Who's body do you want your body to look like?:	any thin person
How long do you think it will take for your body to be perfect?:	i think never is enough
What do you think it will take for your body to be perfect?:	pills, control, depression
Do you just have an eating disordor, or do you exercise to?:	i exercise
What excersize(s) do you do?:	pilates, aeroboxe, walking
Why do you do these excersize(s)?:	lose weight and define my body. bleh
How do they help?:	not yet
If you don't excersize, why not?:
When was the last time you ate?:	23 hours ago
What was the last thing you ate?:	bread
When do you plan on eating next?:	tomorrow, morning
How many calories, fat, carbs, sugars, etc do you consume a day?:	300 or 400 when i can control. a lot when i cant, but i throw up
How many calories, fat, carbs, sugars, etc do you wish you consumed a day?:	200 at most
What did you eat for breakfast?:	apple
What did you eat for lunch?:	diet shake
What did you eat for dinner?:	dinner? are you kidding me?
What is your favorite ED food?:	letucce
What foods are you allowed to eat?:
What foods are you not allowed to eat?:	meat and derivative
What are the most tempting foods that you LOVE but yet HATE?:	candy
What helps you not think about or eat your:	movies
Who is your biggest thinspiration?:	nicole richie, mary kate olsen, cassie (from skins tv show)
Why is she your favorite thinso?:	their achievements
Who is your biggest famous thinspiration (someone you don't know)?:	above
Why is she your favorite thinso?:	above
Count down your top 5 favorite thinspirations::	/
Why are they your biggest thinspos?:	/
Are you jealous of your thinspirations?:	of course
Do you want to be like them, look like them, or have their bodies?:	have their bodies (not their height)
Do they inspire you?:	/
How do they inspire you?:	/
What do they inspire you to do?:	/
What do they inspire you to be like?:	/
Do you think you're skinny or fat?:	fat
What do you care about more: your weight, your size, or the way you look?:	weight and size
Are you satisfied with your weight?:	kidding?
When will you be satisfied with your weight?:	110
Are you satisfied with your size?:	/
When will you be satisfied with your size?:	/
Are you satisfied with the way you look?:	nop
When will you be satisfied with the way you look?:	i think i never will
How do you feel about your weight?:	i feel depressed
On a scale 1-10, rate yourself on your weight::	0
How do you feel about your size?:	/
On a scale 1-10, rate yourself on your size::	/
How do you feel about the way you look?:	/
On a scale 1-10, rate yourself on the way you look::	/
Your Starting Weight::	70kg
Your Current Weight::	61kg
Your Goal Weight::	50kg
Your Starting Size::	/
Your Current Size::	/
Your Goal Size::	/
Describe what you looked like when you started::	fat
Describe what you look like currently::	fat
Explain in full detail how you want to look in the end::	skinny
Will your eating disorder ever end even when you get to your goal look?:	i dont think so
Why will you keep this eating disorder after you're perfect?:	perfect? are you kidding again?
What is perfection mean to you?:	be someone else
Do you think you're beautiful?:	no
How do you feel about yourself (on the outside)?:	i deeply hate myself
How do you feel about yourself (on the inside)?:	i deeply hate myself
Do you love yourself or hate yourself?:	oh man
Is your body perfect?:	¬¬
Do you want your body to be perfect?:	¬¬
Describe the PERFECT BODY::	bones
Do you know anyone who has this perfect body?:	yes
Who?:	3 girls above
Are you really hardcore or pretty chill about your eating disorder?:	i'm on treatment
Are you having fun with your eating disorder or is does life feel limited?:	having fun? who could enjoy that?
Do you love your eating disorder?:	no
Do you love your way of life?:	no
What inspires your eating disorder (what helps you not be tempted to eat)?:	mirror
Are there any pressures with your eating disorder, if so what pressures?:	no pressures
Do you ever feel sick or faint because of your eating disorder?:	faint and sick
What do you do if you feel that way?:	wait to get better
What is your ultimate goal with this eating disorder?:
Are you happy with your resaults from your eating disorder?:	kind of
Do you have any ED tips for a pro or a newbie just getting started?:	fuck off. why do you want to be sick?
Take this survey | Find more surveys | MySpace Surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site *l* (And please let me know if you notice writing errors)

* Before almost a year I came back to this city, which is capital of my fuckep up country, just to bought a new cellphone (a toy that i never use, by the way) and for some unknow reason i encountered a dark and gothic store and stared at the display window just because there was nothing else to do.
Surprise number one: a beautiful MCR t-shirt (last time i talk about the band, i promess) with the dude from black parade.
Surprise number two: i entered the store but i was so sheepish! Cause i'm not the 'mcr type'. Or 'the brazilian mcr type' who is teenie/poser/rebel without case that doesn't give a damn about the music they make. So i asked in a really low voice and the salesman replied yelling: "What? My Chemical Romance? Hey, Michel (the guy who was on the other side) do we have any MCR shirts?" Everybody looked at me.
Oh, fuck. Why all that yelling?
Just shameful. I didn't bought.
*When we are caming back, by train, we had this strange conversation about creationism v. darwinism (my mom truly believe that god create every fucking thing in a couple of days) and I felt like we were in some shity sitcom.
*Beyond that, I notice two kids arguing about stars (in fact was a planet). Both believe the star move in the same way that they move. So they run everywere just to make the star go with them.
*A crazy gipsy cursed me because i refused had my hand read.
*My medication was increased, still without effect.
*I couldnt throw up
*I watched all movies directed by Jim Jarmusch. What i'm gonna do now? Jim, please, write more movies!
*Tomorrow we gonna watch a hungarian movie, an epic 7 hours in length, called Satantango

i think its it by now, in next minutes we gonna watch Naked Lunch, a David Cronemberg movie. i dont expect very much but anyways, its the only one that i have so...

l*

(And please let me know if you notice writing errors)

Yeah, that's truth. I almost died last monday. I was keeping my diet (aka an apple and a dose of diet shake) for seven long days and I was really into this, pretty much as the first time... but when I woke up so sick, at 5AM.... I know that I've said this a lot of times but that was the time when I was closer to death, no kidding, guys. I even prayed (!) and I dont pray since .. since... I have no idea, since I was a kid, maybe...
My stomach wasn't just hurting but it was hurting to death! And I couldnt even move or stay in bed. My mother was angry and worried because she knew the reason: no food, obviously. But I couldnt care less.
All I wanted was a couple of tea, to get better. After my mom leaves I crawled to the kitchen (literally) and gave up. I fucking ate a fucking bread. In fact, was just a bite cause i wasnt able to eat after so much time without food.
Back to bed, with the bread in one hand and shame in another, I took one more piece. Five minutes later I was running to the bathroom to throwing up, but naturally, absolutely no self-induced.
as you can see, i dont die.
Later that morning I fainted at my bedroom. Luckily the mattress is on the floor and the carpet is soft. Nobody notice, like always. With all this events I get kinda scare. So I decided to lunch properly wich means two tablespoon of rice and lentils.
What is strange about this disorders is: they came and go so often and fast. By monday and tuesday I ate normally despite feeling guilty.
Today, all is completely diferent. The day was sunny so i went to the nightmare, i mean, supermarket, just because was unavoidable. (The soundtrack was Jack's Mannequin that its soooo cool)
After refuse to buy any caloric trash I ended up eating 5 or 6 slices of integral bread with fucking fruit jelly and yogurt in question of minutes. I was feeling so bad that, whilst MCR was playing the first three musics from I Brought Your Bullets I was throwing up, totaly induced this time. It is the most awful thing ever and each time i purge i swear that is the last.
I'm going back to diet shake/pills right now and i really hope that work that time.