Marcialima's Journals

Goodbye MCRmy - Part Two (Finale)

First of all, I would like to thank you guys for the intelligent comments, agreeing or disagreeing. Thatâ�™s said, let me talk -for the last time- about why I'm leaving this.

-I am 22 years old. Since I was twelve I gave up on dreaming about celebrities. In my twelves it was okay to worship LeonardoDiCaprio on my wall. But iâ�™m not the type who put people in pedestals anymore, naturally.

-I work, i study and travel everyday and it takes me hours, which means that its not like i stay at home writing love letters to boys I barely know offstage and wondering how gerard can be so hot.

-As I work with music industry and i am into this since i was a kid (my father is a drummer) i know one thing or two about how things work and how things are fucked up sometimes.

â�“Personal behavior always influence bands. You cant separate them both. Thatâ�™s why good and not-so-good bands came to an end. Ego is a powerful thing. If some vocalist is a nazy, or treat women like trash or is prejudiced or republican (just kidding on last one!) you cant second that even if he makes good music. What he thinks about the world and the way he lives is absolutely tight to the music he made.

â�“I understand Gerardâ�™s behavior sometimes, which does not mean that i second him. As a plain fan, i get tired of sing the same songs sometimes. Can you imagine sing the same songs gazzilion times a year for years? You could be tired, not big deal. What you do next is the main thing: you evolve and do something bigger or you let the rockâ�™n roll life or you turn yourself into an Axl Rose pastiche.

-I am diferent of the person i was two years ago. Gerard is 30 years old now and maybe he rather to pick a woman (the first one he find? Doesnt matter) and raise kids even if he said the opposite years ago, because people change, thats not wrong with that. Not everybody is like Keith Richards or Mick Jagger going to the grave at 300 years old and keeping the music alive.

â�“As I said before, you cant deta ch lyrics from composers. I used to love Bright Eyes because Conor Oberst was real, his pain was so real as mine and we were connected in some way. Belle & Sebastian, The Verve, Nirvana, Radiohead, Lou Reed... all this dudes wrote music who meant something because it was real. I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love was real. If you only listen to pop music this means nothing because lyrics about umbrellas and â�˜big girls who does not cryâ�™ are just make to sell more records, and to have a good time of alienation. This is not wrong, also. But I dont fit in this kind of music and i like to listen sincere songs.

â�“Working, i have learnt some tricks to recognise what is fake and what is feeling. Hug a hamsterâ�™s cage was feeling. â�˜Very much aliveâ�™ and â�˜my oh so wonderful girlâ�™ are fake.

â�“Just because he is a 30 old man this do not explain some changes. You dont have to be a teenie or an emo to write about real feelings. Jim Morrison, Jeff Buckley and Elliot Smith are some examples.

-Alteregos can drive you nuts. It happened to David Bowie for instance. When you wear a character and start acting onstage you can make things you dont do usually. The same happens when you are drunk. In vino veritas, remember? It is freudian. In fact, you are being more real than ever behind the mask.

-I am not a nun or a saint to said: â�˜oh, i am leaving gerard because he is drinking againâ�™. I am not the healthy type and i used to drink a lot. You drink when you are so miserable that you can stand sober. It was cider on â�˜wedding dayâ�™? Yeah, but i am talking about puking onstage (camden 25/09), about changing your moods and turn into an unknow person. It is the saddest thing, and i said by myself. You dont have to drink when things are wonderfull. A lot of people saw bottles of gin on their bus. â�˜Oh, but he has the band to support him.â�™ So what? What the others can do? Nothing. When you are lost and you dont wanna be rescue its hard for others to change your mind. So hard that sometimes people just give up. Dont you guys remember Japan touring? They loved and cared about gerard but he was lost and drinking and no one could do nothing. Lyn Z and MSI are know for being crazy kids, for booze and stuff. I dont think someone with this credentials can help at all. I hope she can.

-Anyway, being a mychem fan was so great. It started with sadness. The band talking what i felt. But soon i was understanding the lyrics in a greater way and i know its cliche but those lyrics from Famous Last Words meant so much when i was living my worst times. But look what is happening now: fans hating each other, telling to shut up, being rude... the band was supposed to save lifes. The fans were supposed to be more supportive and not haters about every sentence.

-Someone misunderstood me completely:
â�œYour post has proved that most "fans" like you only care about the one person in the band - Gerard, when really there are actually FOUR other guys and it should be about the MUSIC anyway. And this is why I am completely lost and bewildered as to how you have called others"fangirls and teenies". If you were EVER a real fan it would be about the music, not only particular members of the band.â�
The thing is: MyChem is a band. Itâ�™s a team. If one member is lost and strange, everything would lose the balance. Thats why iâ�™m worried and pissed off. Because gerard dont give a fuck about where his behaviour is carrying every member of My Chem. Because i care about frank, ray and bob (should i consider mikey still?). Thankfully Frank have Leathermout, a kickass band.

â�“Iâ�™m not saying LynZ is the Yoko. Because Lennon loved Yoko so much he would exchange anything by staying on her side. Because Yoko was more important than money, fame and even music and Yoko made John happy since the day they met each other. LynZ dont have this importance. She is just another girl on this game.

â�“The Black Parade is one of the prettiest albuns i ever heard in my entire life. I wrote a book about this, who is set to release next week, in my country, and now im embarrassed about written because things are not like the way it were. Try to make someone, who dont like or dont know the band, understand that Gerard was not like that. It is hard. Still, the album is amazing.

â�“Funny someone comment on last post: â�œKurt Cobain was overrated...instrumentally. He just used power chords. *shrugs*â� But honey, the grunge movement was like the punk movement: feeling instead complicated chords. Kurt felt he had to scream and fuck the guitar and he did. It was about pain and feeling.

-â�œ I do not agree that we should abandon them in the time they need us most. You cannot think that people are going to be exactly what you want them to be all the time, they are going to do things wrong that does not live up to what you think they can be, nobody is going to be perfect in everything they do.â�
This is so beautiful as utopian. I live miles away from this band, they never notice my existence and so on. Parents and friens should do this and i am certain they are doing.

â�“I am not giving upon music. I write about new bands every day and this is what makes me happy. There are just a few of true bands and there are many â�˜lets have funâ�™ bands but i didnt find no one like My Chem or Bright Eyes or Death Cab. Maybe things are changing. Maybe music is now about making money and hiding you trully feelings. But maybe things will change again. I am waiting. Quietly, on my own, but waiting.

- Im very sorry about eventually misspells and grammar errors. English is not my native language but i needed get this out of my chest.

Peace to all of you, soldiers. Try dont let your general fall off.

goodbye mcrmy

i just figure this out: mcrmy is a lie. there's no army, there's no war, no one to follow or believe. sad but true.
people in his thirties, and middle life crisis cant be the voice of an army, cant be the fucking hero or saviour. we are the broken, beaten and damned? i used to be. but lies dont help, just make things up. are palliative.
just a man not a hero? i totally agree, but being 'just a man' dont give power to cheat, humiliate and disesteem people who care about you, mister.
i hope you dont kill yourself drinking with your wife.
i hope you stop to talk about how hot and amazing are you both, because there are many people who rather to listen to music, even if the message is a fake.
i hope you dont fight with your mates and fail with your band.
i hope you stop with this ridiculous 'shirts-off' moment.
stop puking onstage and mainly stop throw the trash to the audience.
in other hand, i hope frankie, ray and bob keep doing what they know: good and sincere music. whatever is the band's name. if the end of my chem is near, its just because of you. they dont deserve this shitty little end.
they are bigger and better than this.
you, fangirls, can hate me to death and keep talking : "if gee is happy then i'm happy" and trash like that but stop the teenies for a bit and notice how unhappy he is.
projekt revolution is not helping at all.
i'm old enough to know how cliche rockstars end. i suffered when kurt passed away. i dont want this feeling again. thats why i'm leaving this armys and teams . i dont want to know the obvious.
you made us fool and i'm thankful for that. because i'm certain: this is the last time i care about musicians. i'm done with old cliches.
i'm done with all of you.

probably the first post i write about happiness...

....if it is not the first on my entire life, then it is the first this year.
Basically i was eating so much, being the laziest person on planet earth, learning to play the drums with my father, cutting myself and watching movies, not necessarily in order... in a brief i was depressed, suicidal and all that crap.
So.. i got a job... an internship.... at the best place.. the place i ever dreamed about....

a) at the capital city
(one of the few places that i love)

b) with the coolest people
my boss is a girl on her 25's or 30's, journalist, clever and funny
my two workmates are awesome, too. one is a drummer at a punk rock band
the other is a drummer too, i guess. they are both funny.
we four will share a room

c) we are based at the coolest street, at the coolest neighborhood
where punks/mods/indies and all 'strange people' party

d) i'm doing what i like to do
getting in touch with bands/events/movies/parties and so on.. everything about creative industry.
e)i will exercise
i bought that treadmill but it was useless, cause i'm super lazy. now, that i'm obligated to walk, it will be super cool.

f) i will stay away from food
-i will wake at 7AM
-travel between 7:30 and 8:35 AM
-work at 9AM until 2PM
-travel back, between 15 and 16-go straight to the college where i will do nothing until 7PM (probably surfing on internet or spend some time at library)
-class between 7:30 and 10 PM
-back to home where i'm gonna straight to bed.

which means: no food.
ok, i will eat something sometimes, like a cereal bar.... just to seem like a normal person.
but at the rest of the day it will be just about water, and water, and coffee and cigarettes, of course. did i mention water?

in clothes, my wieght -today- is: 141.0944 lbs (shame on me)
i hope i lost at least 22lbs.

As i'm writing from a shitty informatic's laboratory at university (what is the difference between martidom.. ops... university and college, by the way?) i'm not able to check my spell, so, pardon me...

**Oh, i almost forgot.. When i was walking, at morning, the first song i heard was IDLY, from My Chem. When things are good, everything seems to work even better, right?

I'm feeling kinda gangsta

This whole week was about mafia movies. I'm pretty tired of all this romantic bullshit so I locked myself with all badness from tough guys like Scorsese, Robert De Niro and Joey Pesci (lovely Harry from Home Alone).
Maybe thats the reason why i had guts to fasting for 3 more days.

Monday i watched Pucnh Drunk Love (totally sucks)
Tuesday, while running on the treadmill, i watched Shallow Grave. Amazing. Even better than Trainspotting (Danny Boyle directed both). After that i enjoyed Adaptation (2002) and ill tell you:
One of the best movies ever made.
You must see this genius masterpiece. Roger Ebert can say better than me: "Adaptation is a movie that leaves you breathless with curiosity, as it teases itself with the directions it might take."
It wqas directed by Spike Jonze and written by Charlie Kaufman, so what did you expect?
At night i watched L'nfer (hell). Pretty sad and handsome it is the second of the Krzysztof Kieslowski's trilogy had written before his death. (he is the one of color's trilogy, do you remember? soo moving)

Dont forget that i was fasting really hard. So i almost passed out once again ha ha. It was quite frightening to be truth and i had to call my mother trough the phone cause i wasnt able to yell. She freaked out since it was middle of the night and for a moment, for a single little moment, she seemed concerned.

Wednesday was funny. In the morning, I watched this crazy hungarian movie called Hukkle and I bet hukkle means hiccup because there were this old man hiccuping during the entire film! Sounds crazy and boring but wasn't at all. Apart having no conversation was pure and fresh. That's why i love hungarian movies. I just dont second the way they treat animals.

When my mom woke up i lied that i've already eat. It was her day off so we went to another city to buy some stuff. I was hoping not to faint. We didnt ate a damn thing. She dont care, now i'm sure. By the end of the afternoon i was almost dead but i didnt faint :)

Back at home i watched Taxi Driver (Scorsese plus De Niro plus Keitel = gorgeous, brilliant, stupendous) and A Streetcar Named Desire (with a Marlon Brando disturbingly pretty) and Rebel Without a Cause (James Dean in the same way)

Over 72 hours my fasting was done and i slept with pride.

Thursday i saw Casino (Scorsese plus De Niro plus Joe Pesci) (8/10 = really great)
Ragging Bull (scorsese plus de niro plus joe pesci) (3/10= terrible. i didnt get it to be sincere.)
and Untouchables (Brian De Palma plus De Niro = kinda good)

Now i'm perceiving my life more like as a flaneur (or dandy, you name it) and less like a depressed and useless kid. Its the same, but you know, dandies are stylish.
:P

jesus. i came to type a few lines about some films and i wrote a bible!
i have no time to recheck and my english sucks anyway, so i'm sorry for eventually mistakes.

oh. did you heard about frerards at projekt revolution? i can wait to see the video.

now i going to sleep

eating disorders are about lack of kindness

I just watched the most bizarre, disgusting and disturbing movie ever. The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover was commited by Peter Greenaway, a respected film director from Wales. And as far as i know this movie it's his masterpiece. But the only outstanding points were the photography with crazy colors and environments and the costume design (by Gaultier, baby).
Its all about food & sex. Disgusting food among dirty sex or the opposite. I guess i'm gonna watch this movie every time i feel hungry. It's loathsome because blend both moments (eating & having sex) in scatological takes that make you wanna puke, even if you aren't bulimic.
I have seen many weird/experimental/nonsense movies but this is the winner.
And it's not like Snakes on a Plane or some kind of shit like American Pie when you actually knows that you will be waste your time. I mean, there are a huge number of crazy critics who choose this like a cult/great movie. Bollocks.

In fact this week wasnt good to movies. I watched Run, Lola, Run (Nothing but an old hype), One Day Without Mexicans (i'm not kidding. i saw this! man... just terrible....) and I tried Duna for the very last time. The only David Lynch's work that i hate. impossible to see. impossible to stay awake. impossible.

the funny thing about watching so many movies its that completely waste of time since i have no memory. i watched zodiac last week. today one kid asked me about the movie and i didnt remember a thing.
:(

guess what? i won a folding treadmill. kinda crapy but working well.

my mother, who didnt listen a single word that i said, found a method to fix things up (she think so, at least): she buy things.
if i say: i want kill myself, she didnt answer.
if i say: i wanna buy some shirts, she sends me to a store
if i say: i'm a fucking whale, she plays deaf
if i say: crap cell phone, she buy a new cell phone
could be a fucking great thing. but she cant afford what i need, financially neither metaphorically.
i feel very bad when i try to talk to her cause its ever: "hm, yeah, alright"
-i'm gonna choke until i die
-"yeah, ok baby"
-"i'm gonna put my head on cocker"
-"uhum, right"

great, isnt?

thank you, tom waits

Many people talk about how happiness can be found in little things and usually i dont give a shit about this statement. But today, reading one great book and listening to a great record i had to agreed. I was so happy for a brief moment! Ok, not the happiest person on planet, but feeling good, which is something huge to me.
The book is the best belgian i've ever read. (ok, old joke. its the firsdt belgian book i've ever read) and its called Stupeur et tremblements (fear and trembling) by AmÃ©lie Nothomb. As i am a fucking moron to talk in another language, let me copy and paste a review that suits well:
"An undisguisedly autobiographical account of her experiences working for a Japanese company, a recital of multiple humiliations, if anything too neat, too comprehensive to do more than provoke hilarity." - Anita Brookner, The Spectator
Realy realy funny principally if you ever worked at some crap company. I already did.
The soundtrack to reading was the only and one Tom Waits. I love this man because he made some great soundtracks to Jim Jarmusch's movies and there's one music, particularly, that i realy fancy as neither one. But i never listened to his records, which is almost a crime. Today i found Rain Dogs, his best work acording to All Music and its just fucking amazing.

yesterday i bought my pills, and my happines came from there too.
and i'm really exercising and eat just a litle.
my fanfiction came to an end in a very sad way (gerard shot nick's belly killing their child. and he implict swapped nikki for frank. she ended in a hospice. after helen's dead nikki told to gerard about the child (he didnt knew yet) the band toured to japan and gerard try to kill himself)

my straight edge plan's flushed away after a month. i came back to cigarretes and coffee. i dont even think about quit vegetarianism but i'm afraid to said that i miss meat sometimes. but its about consciousness not about taste. i wish i could be that steady about cigarettes but its impossible.

right now i received 2 issues from the fanzine in what i co-operate and reading my reviews i said: wow.
i miss this.
in fact i miss writing in a cool way. i wish i could recover as soon as possible.

now i'm gonna study. i hate that.

A brief of my pathetic last week...

...alternating days of absolutely empty stomach and days of some food, i kept 60 fucking kilos.

And, as usual to a useless person, I watched a bunch of movies:
Shatered Glass(?) and Paris, Texas (Win Wenders) = sunday
Clerks(?) and Code Unknown - Incomplete Tales of Several Journeys (Haneke) by Monday
Boogie Nights = tuesday
Life on the Murder Scene = Wednesday, i guess
Revolver (Guy Rithchie) = Thursday
Friday i dont saw a damn thing
Saturday we finish off the french '3 colors trilogy' with Blanc and Rouge.
And I watched Ta'm E Guilass (The most beautiful iranian movie I ever saw.... The first iranian movie that I've saw. Wonderful, even so)
Today, strange sunny sunday, I woke up very, hmmm, lively. Cleaned my bedroom in company of My Chemical Romance videos, which increased the mood.
At afternoon, we (wich ever means me and my mom) watched Zodiac. Featuring Jake-oh-so-perfect-Gylenhaal and Chloe-indie-hype-gave-head-Sevigny.
Very good if you ask me. But not so good as Seven or Fight Club (directed by David Fincher too)

About food? Oh man.... This weekend my crazy mother bought this crazy cakes, birthday cakes, you know? But its anybody's birthday! Yeah, you can tell that is Raymond's birthday, which is true, but she didnt know who the hell is Ray, so the only possible reason is that: she is completely nuts.
Her dirty tricks gave me a quilo and a half.

I didnt finish the fanfiction yet, cause i'm studying math/portuguese/laws/ for this shitty loathsome annoying test that can guarantee me a shitty loathsome job in public sector. I hate this idea but, since I'm not working nor helping with nothing in this house, I presume I cant complain (very much).

Oh, a really good thing that happened earlier this week: I returned to writing. Not a huge text... a review kinda cool about the band Strange Death of Liberal England. A good restart, I guess...

Another good thing: I won the best fucking great scale ever. This time it's a stylish and accurate glass scale. So I feel like I could hug and kiss it. Now, I weight myself like hundred times a day.

http://a1468.g.akamai.net/f/1468/580/1d/pics.drugstore.com/prodimg/155073/300.jpg

Tomorrow i'm gonna try 'the pineaple diet' once again.

My plan is:
monday: pineaple
tuesday: fast
wednesday: diet shake
thursday: fast
friday: orange

i think its it

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDE ;)

lotms

Oh man
I should be very sad because i've just ate a fuckin bread.... But half minute ago i've noticed that LOTMS are completed and i can watch!!! Thank god! (Oh, I'm so religious.... earlier today, when i was in bed, I even created a paternoster's version which includes new jersey, gerard and frerards ahahaha)

i have 3 scary cuts on my arm (where the hell is eliza, by the way?) but as i was fasting for almost a week and now i'm gonna watch THE dvd, i'm happy.

(yeah i ought study and i have another 3 million things to do, but i dont mind)

dont you miss the blonde gerard?

i'm searching pictures like a crazy. its my new hobbie (very effective in avoid to eat)
now it's time for blondie gerard

(click to enlarge)

buzznet is pissing me off

this fucking blog says that my post is spam just because i wrote a lot
fuck off
if you wanna read all this saga, goes to myspace because there long texts arent consider as spam.
My blog

A day before yesterday the strangest thing happened. I was on my way to college and I saw this really cute boy. I never flirt with anyone because it is such a waste of time, but I looked to him and he miraculously looked to me. So I keep walking to my classrom, and nothing happened. But after the exam I was stood on bus quee waiting for the bus to take me home and I was really emo. I mean, I'm not emo. Not trully emo, at least. Like those dudes from emotional hardcore, rites of spring and washington dc, for example. But I was dressed in stereotypical emo fashion: hoodie, eyeliner, bangs (or fringe whatever), skinny pants and all star.
So I was stood there and I saw the boy again. And he was coming in my direction. I thought he wanted to pass by my side to stop at the queue but he didnt.
*convulses*
He asked:
-Are you MÃ¡rcia Lima?
-Yes, that's me.
-Oh, cool. I'm __ (some crazy nickname) I used to read your columns and I had to thank you by introduce me such great bands. I used to listen your podcast and coment in your old blogs too.
*still convulse*
-Oh, thanks so much and bla bla bla.
We spoke about how the hell did he recognized me, about bands, my book, university, graduation, then he asked my e-mail and was just it.
But, dude, this is like an event on my so fuked up life.